Abdominal Training Thread (Jokes and Funnies)

[maryb]

Apparently a real advert.

[Alya10]

Two friends are at a bar having a few drinks:

- "Let's say, if for example I did your wife we would still be friends, right??"

- "No!"

- "Well, but we would still be mates, ok?"

- "No!"

- "Humm, enemies then?"

- "No!"

- "What then? Don't tell me you would stop talking to me?"

- "No!"

- "Shit! Then what? How would we be?"

- "EVEN!"

[annie]

Its a story about a Technical Support guy named Ron. From an email i got from somewhere...


Here’s one straight from the horse’s mouth.

Ring. Ring.

Ron: “Hello, MSM Tech Customer Care and I’m Ron, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Hey, this is Will, I’ve bought a new computer, you know, the desktop one, but got a problem.”

Ron: “Sure, Will. Tell me, what’s the problem?”

Customer: Well, for starters, the computer wouldn’t start.”

Ron: “Have you plugged in right and switched on the CPU?”

Customer: “Of course, I plugged in, but by Gawd, they never told me about the CPU. Is that a remote one?”

Ron (painfully patient): “No, Will. It’s the almost rectangular bulky one that has a few knobs or switches on it. You got to switch it on there.”

Pause.

Customer: “Gee, I never knew. Thanks it’s open now.” “I can hear the sound and now the screen is on. Great.”

Ron: “Okay. Please open a window and you can use the internet and browse.”

Customer: Sure.

A big pause.

Customer: Yes I did.

Ron: What do you see?

Customer: Lawn and my garage.

Click.

It was reported later, that colleagues found Ron banging on his monitor head-first for exactly 15 minutes. Non-stop

[jenhatter06]

not knowing where else to put this, and since it is mildly amusing ...

reading article on Davydenko's fining, and there are other tennis headlines on the side, and one reads:
"Andy Murray to play Dmitry Youzhny in semifinals at St. Petersburg Open" whoops ;D

and from the atp:

Olivier Rochus saved five match points against American Mardy Fish, who had five match points himself, [uhh, duh - isn't that a given?] to advance to his fifth quarterfinal of the season. Belgian Rochus won the pair’s first career meeting in five years 7-6(5), 6-7(6), 7-6(15) in three hours and one minute. [OT -- 17-15 3rd set TB?! AND Mardy hit 43 aces, had 5 MPs and couldn't win it?? ack!]

[maryb]

THE HAPPIEST FAIRY TALE EVER!!!!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

The girl said, " NO!"

And the girl lived happily ever after ... and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank whole bottles of wine, always had a clean house, never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted, never argued, didn't get fat, travelled more, didn't save money, and had all the hot water to herself.

She went to the theatre, never watched sports, never wore friggin' lacy lingerie that went up her arse, had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, and felt and looked fabulous all the time.

THE END

[maryb]

Who says men don't remember anniversaries?

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee, "I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?" he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive. "Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too" she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...

"Well, I would have got out today."

[maryb]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and
sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly
offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the
girlfriend leans over and whispers to the
boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your
father was a pharmacist.'

[Mrs. Fabregas]

, That was a very good one, Mary !!!!!

I have to say that i feel a bit for the boy.... poor guy ;D!

[annie]

A picture say a thousand words....ENJOY

I think THAT is going to HURT....a lot... ;D ;D


What do you think is happening here? ;D ;D


btw, that is NOT my window.

[Alya10]

Something someone just sent me ;D

Management practical cases

Case 1
A woman was walking with her boyfriend when they heard some construction workers shouting at them:
- Yey, you SOB don't take her for a walk, take her to a dark place and jump her!!!
The guy, very embarrassed keeps walking with the girl and they pass by several old men sitting on a bench. These as soon as they see them say to the boy:
- Awww, look, holding hands with the girl... you should take her to a motel you sissy boy!!!
The boy each time more embarrassed decides to take the girl home and says goodbye:
- See you tomorrow, love!
To which the girl replies:
- See you tomorrow you f*****g def!!!

Conclusion:
Listen and implement the advise given by external consultants. They are experienced people. If you don't do that, your image and your management will be seriously damaged...


Case 2
A criminal convict, sentenced to life due to 1st degree murder escapes prison after 25 years. During his escape he enters a house where a young couple sleeps. The killer ties the man to a chair and the woman to the bed.
Next he leans his face against the woman's breasts and after he gets up and goes out of the room. Immediately, dragging the chair, the husband comes near the wife and tells her:
- My love, this man hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kiss your breasts and now taking advantage that he went out I want to ask you to cooperate with him and do everything he asks you. If he wants to have sex with you don't avoid him and pretend you like it. Please don't fight him. Our lives may depend on that! Be strong my beautiful wife. I love you!
The young wife then says to the husband:
- Honey, I appreciate that you think that way! In fact this man hasn't seen a woman in years, however he wasn't kissing my breasts. He was whispering to me that he liked you very much and asked me if we keep the lubricant gel in the bathroom. Be strong my love, I also love you very much.

Conclusion:
By not being completely informed you can run into serious trouble. The updated and exact information is key to succeed against the attack of the competition and therefore avoid unpleasant surprises.

Case 3
A boy goes to a pharmacy and says to the attending pharmacist:
- Please, can I have a condom? My girlfriend has invited me for dinner tonight at her house, we have been going out for 3 months, she is staring to turn hot and I think she is going to ask me to put the "thermometer" on her.
The pharmacist gives him the condom and the boy gets out of the pharmacy. Almost instantly he comes back in saying:
- Sir, you'd better give me another one because my girlfriend's sister is super hot , she keeps crossing her legs in front of me so much I sometimes almost see her insides. I think she is looking for "something" also and since I'm going over for dinner...
The pharmacist gives him another condom and the boy gets out of the pharmacy. Almost instantly he comes back in again saying:
- Sir, you'd better give me another one because my girlfriend's mother is as good as popcorn. The woman, when the daughter is not around keeps coming up to me in such a way that I get embarrassed... and since I'm coming over for dinner...
The mealtime arrives, and the boy is sitting at the table with the girlfriend, her sister next to him and the mother in front. At that moment the father arrives and sits also at the table.
The boy lowers his head, puts his hands together and starts praying:
- Lord bless this food, bzzzz, bzzzz, bzzzz, ... we thank you for this food...
A minute goes by and the boy is still with his head down praying:
- Thank you Lord for thse gifts, bzzz, bzzz, bzzz....
Five minutes go by and he still goes on:
- Bless this bread, Lord, bzzz, bzzz, bzzz...
Another tem minutes go by and the boy is still with his head down praying:
Everybody is looking at each other and the girlfriend whispers to him:
- My love, I didn't know you were such a believer...!!!
- And I didn't know your father was a pharmacist!!!

Conclusion:
Don't talk about the strategic plans of your company with strangers because such lack of confidence might destroy the organization itself.

[maryb]

"The Wedding Test!"
My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me.

It was her beautiful younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.

She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me." I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.

Lord and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said, we are very happy that you have passed our little test.....we couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[maryb]

Someone once asked May West if she smoked after sex. She hesitated, smiled and slowly replied, "I don't know, I've never looked."

[maryb]

LMAO. ;D At least the Big Yin is getting his out of the way at 27!


Mid-life crisis
When I was married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year-old blonde."

"Now we have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, nice big bed and a plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year-old woman.

It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year-old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Aren't older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis.

[Alya10]

A child is inside his father’s car when he sees two hookers on the street…
- Dad, who are those ladies?

The father, a bit embarrassed replies:
- It doesn’t matter, son… Look at this store, instead. Have you seen such lovely toys?
- Yeah, yeah I saw the toys. But… who are those ladies and what are they doing standing there?
- They are… humm… they are ladies that sell on the street.
- Yes? But, what do they sell? – asks the boy surprised.
- Ahem… they sell… hum… Ah, what do I know, they sell a bit of pleasure!

The kid thinks about what the father told him and when he gets home he checks his piggy bank, intending to go out to buy a bit of pleasure.
He is lucky! He can buy about 25 € of pleasure! The next day he goes to one of the hookers and asks her:
- I’m sorry miss, but could you sell me 25 € of pleasure, please?
The woman is surprised and for a moment doesn’t know what to do. But then, life is hard, so she accepts, takes the boy home and bakes him 6 strawberry pies.

It was late when the kid came home.
The father, worried with his delay asks where he’s been.
The kid looks up at his dad and says:
- I’ve been to see the ladies we saw yesterday, to buy a little pleasure!

The dad turns yellow!
- And… and … so what happened?
- Well, with the first 4 I didn’t have any problem. The 5th took me almost an hour, I had to push it with my finger but I ate it nonetheless. The 6th was a lot of trouble. By the end I was all smeared… I even spilled cream all over the floor! But I was invited to go back tomorrow! Can I go?

The dad dropped flat on the floor…

[Mrs. Fabregas]

Or am I overreacting now ??