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Post by Alya10 on Dec 13, 2007 0:01:55 GMT 3
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Post by jenhatter06 on Dec 14, 2007 6:18:09 GMT 3
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Post by annie on Dec 14, 2007 20:19:41 GMT 3
Innocence is bliss....LMAO
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Post by Mrs. Fabregas on Dec 14, 2007 21:14:22 GMT 3
Hahahahahahahahahaha!!!!! Thanks for posting, it's a priceless then  Especially loved Tommy's spanish/spanglish in it ;D |
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Post by maryb on Jan 12, 2008 16:30:59 GMT 3
An Irish doctor wantedto get off work and go
hunting, so he approached his assistant.
'Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to
close the clinic. I want you to take care of the
clinic and take care of all me patients'.
'Yes, sir!' answers Garge.
The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day
and asks:
'So, Garge, how was your day?'
Garge told him that he took care of three patients.
'The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL.'
'Bravo mate, and the second one?' asks the doctor.
'The second one had stomach burning and I gave him
MAALOX, sir,' says Garge.
'Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the
third one?' asks the doctor.
'Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens
and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses
herself, taking off everything including her bra and
her panties and lies down on the table. She spreads
her legs and shouts:'HELP ME! For five years I have
not seen any man!'
'Tunderin' Lard Jayzus, Garge, what did you do?'asks
the doctor.
'I put drops in her eyes'!!!!
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Post by maryb on Jan 13, 2008 1:31:46 GMT 3
This made me laugh. Every week I get asked to send out an 'all-user email' to staff - numbers around 5,000. It's usually scam emails and junk that nobody is interested in - this spoof made me laugh out loud ... and was sorely tempting ...
A "heads up" for you and any of your friends who may be regular customers at Tesco.
Over the last month I became the victim of a clever scam whilst out shopping. Simply going out to get some bits and bobs has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you! Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good looking 18 or 19 year old girls come over to your car as you are loading your stuff into the boot. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windowlene, with their cleavage almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "no" and instead ask you for a lift to another shopping centre.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen on December 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, three times just yesterday, and very likely again this upcoming weekend as soon as I can buy some more wallets.
Please pass this message on to all the men you know to warn them about this scam. ;D
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Post by annie on Jan 26, 2008 11:29:53 GMT 3
OMG....what a pig....
but a hilarious story, though...LOL
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Post by maryb on Feb 6, 2008 22:56:37 GMT 3
Scottish weather report ... "....with wind and rain crossing over the Western Isles and reaching all parts of Scotland later. Further rain is expected forever and ever until the end of the world. Because this is Scotland and this is what Scotland is like." Amen. |
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Post by annie on Feb 17, 2008 10:53:03 GMT 3
Emailed by a friend:
FUNNY MANAGEMENT TIPS...
A woman is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings. When her husband doesn't answer the door, she quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. She opens the door, to find Bob, her next-door neighbor.
Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $750 to drop that towel." She thinks to herself, "Men can be so dumb sometimes ..." smiles and drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her $750 and leaves. The woman goes back upstairs.
When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, "Who was that?" "It was our neighbor Bob," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "did he say anything about the $750 he owes me?"
Management Tip 1: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
.......... ..........
A priest and a Nun get into a cab. When the Nun sits down and crosses her legs, she reveals a leg through a slit in the gown. The priest gets excited and can't control himself. He stealthily slides his hand up her leg. The nun says, "Father, remember Psalm 129?"
The priest feels embarrassed and immediately removes his hand and tries to recollect Psalm 129.
After sometime, he again can't help himself and lets his hand slide up her leg. The nun once again says, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest apologizes, "Sorry sister, the flesh is weak and gives in to temptations."
He drops her off at the convent. On his arrival at the church, the priest immediately rushes to look up Psalm 129. It said - "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."
Management Tip 2: If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.
.......... ..........
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and their manager are walking towards the cafeteria for lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out. The Genie says, "I'll give each of you ONE wish."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Puff! The Genie sends her to the Bahamas.
"Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Piña Coladas and the love of my life." Puff! The Genie grants him his wish.
"OK, you're up," the Genie looks to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Management Tip 3: Always let your boss have the first say.
.......... ..........
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered, "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Tip 4: to be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up
........... ..........
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings? They're packed with nutrients", replied the bull
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.
He was then spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
Management Tip 5: BullShit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
.......... ..........
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Management Tip 6: Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.
Management Tip 7: Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
Management Tip 8: When you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
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Post by maryb on Feb 29, 2008 0:08:00 GMT 3
A woman, pregnant with triplets, was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily, the babies were okay. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.
The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."
LMAO. ;D
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Post by annie on Mar 8, 2008 8:06:50 GMT 3
WHY YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER MESS WITH AN OLD LADY
An old lady was pulled over by a police officer for speeding.
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Older Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Older Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Older Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Older Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.
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Post by annie on Mar 8, 2008 8:12:06 GMT 3
A GENIUS WAY OF KEEPING FRUITS FROM FALLING OFF THE TREE LMFAO ;D ;D ;D
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uranus
Junior Member
People are often unreasonable, irrational and self-centered! Forgive them anyway.
Posts: 160
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Post by uranus on Mar 10, 2008 16:47:52 GMT 3
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Post by Anne on Mar 10, 2008 17:57:12 GMT 3
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Post by maryb on Mar 11, 2008 0:39:20 GMT 3
Medical distinction
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom and having the guts to ask, 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say, 'You're next.'
I hope this clears up any confusion. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
LMAO.
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