Abdominal Training Thread (Jokes and Funnies)

[maryb]

Why I fired my secretary.

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'happy birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone ' happy birthday.'

I thought ...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids....
they will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.


As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good morning Boss, and by the way, happy birthday ! '
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.


I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
it's such a beautiful day....
we don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'happy birthday'.


And I just sat there...

on the couch...

naked.


LMFAO. I keep crying with this one ... ;D ;D

[annie]

LMFAO here too! Poor guy...! ;D ;D

[maryb]

A. Follow the instructions to find your new name.

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:

a = snickle
b = doombah
c = goober
d = cheesey
e = crusty
f = greasy
g = dumbo
h = farcus
i = dorky
j = doofus
k = funky
l = boobie
m = sleezy
n = sloopy
o = fluffy
p = stinky
q = slimy
r = dorfus
s = snooty
t = tootsie
u = dipsy
v = sneezy
w = liver
x = skippy
y = dinky
z = zippy

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:

a = dippin
b = feather
c = batty
d = burger
e = chicken
f = barffy
g = lizard
h = waffle
i = farkle
j = monkey
k = flippin
l = fricken
m = bubble
n = rhino
o = potty
p = hamster
q = buckle
r = gizzard
s = lickin
t = snickle
u = chuckle
v = pickle
w = hubble
x = dingle
y = gorilla
z = girdl e

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:

a = butt
b = boob
c = face
d = nose
e = hump
f = breath
g = pants
h = shorts
i = lips
j = honker
k = head
l = tush
m = chunks
n = dunkin
o = brains
p = biscuits
q = toes
r = doodle
s = fanny
t = sniffer
u = sprinkles
v = frack
w = squirt
x = humperdinck
y = hiney
z = juice


For example, George W. Bush's new name is:
Fluffy Chucklefanny. LMAO.

I'm Dorfus Dippinlips. ;D

[maratsmaiden]

crusty lizardpants.... lol

[annie]

I'm Sloopy Gizzardsprinkles -- that just sounds gross...LOL ;D

Here's something funnier...Marat's name is Dorfus Barffybutt...!!! LMAO!!! ;D;D;D

[Anne]

haha nice ones Mary! My name is Sloopy Dippinfrack! Uughh!

[Barbarella]

I'm 'Snickle Chickendunkin'! I love it LMAO ;D

[maryb]

Men are just happier people ...

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.


Your underwear is £5.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife..
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

LMAO.

[maryb]

Sniff. ;D

www.youtube.com/watch?v=adYbFQFXG0U

[maryb]

While large corners of the world are busy celebrating Obama's presidential victory there will be some people feeling slightly deflated to see George Bush step down as US president.

Over the past eight years Bush has provided us with endless amusement as a result of his faux pas or ‘Bushisms' as they've been dubbed. Here are twenty favourites.


20. "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." - Nov. 28, 2005
19. "We don't believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans." - Sept. 6, 2000
18. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." - Dec. 19, 2000
17. "Well, I think if you say you're going to do something and don't do it, that's trustworthiness." - Aug. 30, 2000
16. "I think we agree, the past is over." - May 10, 2000
15. "I understand small business growth. I was one." - Feb. 19, 2000
14. "This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." - April 23, 2002
13. "I want everybody to hear loud and clear that I'm going to be the president of everybody." - Jan. 18, 2001
12. "One of the great things about books is sometimes there are some fantastic pictures." - Jan. 3, 2000
11. "I was proud the other day when both Republicans and Democrats stood with me in the Rose Garden to announce their support for a clear statement of purpose: you disarm, or we will." - Oct. 5, 2002
10. "I just want you to know that when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." - June 18, 2002
9. "I'm honored to shake the hand of a brave Iraqi citizen who had his hand cut off by Saddam Hussein." - May 25, 2004
8. "I firmly believe the death tax is good for people from all walks of life all throughout our society." - Aug. 13, 2002
7. "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again." - Sept. 17, 2002
6. "The truth of that matter is, if you listen carefully, Saddam would still be in power if he were the president of the United States, and the world would be a lot better off." - Oct. 8, 2004
5. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." - Sept. 29, 2000
4. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." - Aug. 5, 2004
3. "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" - Jan. 11, 2000
2. "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." - Jan. 27, 2000
1. "They misunderestimated me." - Nov. 6, 2000


You can take a look at a comprehensive list of ‘Bushisms' from over the past eight years here: politicalhumor.about.com/library/blbushisms.htm

LMAO. Number three still cracks me up every time I hear it.

[maryb]

In the Navy ...

The Chief noticed a new seaman one day and barked at him to get over here.

'What is your name?' was the first thing the Chief asked the new guy.

'John, sir.'

The Chief scowled, 'Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy-ass stuff they're teaching sailors in boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all. I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?'

'Aye, aye, Chief!'

'Good!'

'Now that we got that straight, what is your last name ?'

The new guy sighed and said, 'Darling. My name is John Darling, Chief!'

'Okay, ... John, here's what I want you to do...'

[maryb]

My favourite recipe! Hic.

Christmas cake

Please, do try this at home!
Ingredients
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
nuts
1 bottle of vodka
2 cups of dried fruit


Sample the vodka to check quality. Take a large bowl, check the vodka again. To be sure it's the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.

At this point it's best to make sure the vodka is shtill okay.

Try another cup .... just in case turn off the mixerer.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Prick fruit off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a sdrewscriver

Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a shit? Check the vodka. Twice.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven and piss in the fridge. Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the cat. Fall into bed.

CHERRY MISTMAS!



LMAO. I fink I singed my nuts. If I any had ... hic ... furry slippers ... hic ... what's the point? Where's the press photgrapherer? I fame needest. Hic. Bless you one and all. Tim Tiny, tosser. Have a cherry mistmas!

Hic.

Where's the Rennies?

[annie]

Some funny bits...

Couple talking:

wife : hon, can you fix the light at the front door?.

husband : I'm not an electrician.

wife : Okay, can you just repair the banister then?

husband : I'm not a carpenter.

Husband went out, but when he came home, everything was fixed. He asked his wife who did all the work.

wife : Well, a man saw me crying. I told him there was so much repairing that needs to be done inside, so he offered to help in exhange of either sex or for me to bake him a cake.

husband : so you baked a cake for him?

wife : No! I'm not a baker!

------------------------------------------------------------
The following have some LOCAL color, so you might not get it...

Husband: "We're always fighting, let's just get a divorce!"
Wife: "All right, let's split the children!"
Husband: "I'll take the pretty girls and handsome boys."
Wife: (to self) "Damn, he chose the ones who aren't his."

In front of the Nursery's window...
Friend: Man, I think your kid would be a great driver.
Dad: Why, man? Does he have big hands?
Friend: No. He looks a lot like your wife's driver.

Husband came home from church, suddenly lifted his wife
and carried her.
Wife: Why? Did the Pastor tell you to be romantic like this?
Husband: No! He told me to carry my cross!

Friend: "Wow, dude, that's a nice pair of shoes."
Husband: "Yep. It's a surprise from my wife."
Friend: "Surprise? What's the occasion?"
Husband: "Nothing. I just saw it under our bed last night."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Health Advisory: "Beer contains female hormones, and can
turn men into women.
After 5 pints.... men become talkative, unreasonable,
irritable, cry for nothing, and urinate while sitting!"

WIFE: I'm warning you! My husband will be here any minute!
HANDSOME VISITOR: I'm not doing anything wrong with you...
WIFE: Exactly my point! If you want to do something with me, do it now!

WIFE: You're home early, today!
HUSBAND: I'm just following my boss's orders. He told me to GO TO
HELL" so here I am!

[jenhatter06]

It's that time of year again ... when the ATP subject a few players into singing a Christmas song. In English. That many have never heard of before. Complete with Santa hats, beards ... even practically a whole costume for one. Let the LMAO hilarity begin: ;D

www.atptennis.com/en/multimedia/default_video.asp?videoid=927

Happy Holidays!