Abdominal Training Thread (Jokes and Funnies)

[maryb]

The response from my 'best friend' ( I use the term loosely) when I sent her the friendship joke:

"Was it the bit about 'peeing your pants' that's truest for you?
Snarf snarf!"

Git.

I am friendless.

[annie]

oh, what do you call us then?

[maryb]

Fellow sufferers? LMAO. ;D

Yip, friends across the seas!

[annie]

Fellow Sufferrers?! LMAO....yeah, that works too....from Marat Addiction, i suppose? (oh, what am i asking it for? Of course it is...)

[Giselle]

10 THINGS BLACK AND LATIN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT WHITE PEOPLE WONT' ADMIT:

1. Elvis is dead.
2. Having your children curse you out in public is not
normal.
4. Skinny does not equal sexy.
5. A 5 year child is too big for a stroller.
6. N' SYNC will never hold a candle to the Jackson 5.
7. Thomas Jefferson had black children.
8. An occasional BUTT whooping helps a child stay in line.
9. Kissing your pet is not cute.
10. Rap music is here to stay.

10 THINGS WHITE AND BLACK PEOPLE KNOW, BUT LATIN PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Chicken is food, not a roommate.
2. "Jump out and run" is not in any insurance policies
3. Your country's flag is not a car decoration.
4. Hickey's are unattractive.
5. Mami and Papi can't possibly be the nickname of every
person in your family.
6. Buttoning just the top button of your shirt is a bad
fashion statement.
7. 10 people to a car or home is considered too many.
8. Jesus is not a name for your son.
9. Maria is a name but not for every other daughter.
10. Letting your children run wildly through the store can get
your BUTTwhooped (or theirs).


10 THINGS WHITE AND LATIN PEOPLE KNOW, BUT BLACK PEOPLE WON'T ADMIT:

1. Tupac is dead.
2. Crown Royal bags are meant to be thrown away.
3. Having a ring on every finger is too much.
4. O.J. did it
5. Teeth should not be decorated.
6. Breaks are usually only 15 minutes.
7. Jesse Jackson will never be President.
8. RED is not a kool-aid flavor (it's a color).
9. Your rims and sound system should not be worth more than
your car.
10. Your pastor doesn't know everything.

[annie]

Here's a beautiful love story...


Christine, a beautiful young woman fell in love with Eduard and they decided to get married. She was so happy so she went to her dad to ask for his blessings.

Her dad told her, "Christine, you'll have to find someone else. Your mom does
not know this, but Eduard is your half-brother."

So Christine had to forget Eduard. She then met Richard and fell in love
again.

But after telling her father about Richard, he again said, "Christine,my daughter
there's trouble still. You cannot marry Richard. Please don't tell your
mother, but Richard is also your half-brother."

Christine had no choice but to go to her mother. Her mother, however, already knew this
and said "Christine, do whatever it is that will make you happy. You can marry
either Richard or Eduard and it's okay. You are not related to Daddy."

[maryb]

LMAO

Why you never question a drunk

I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:

A half-gallon of skimmed milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. can of coffee, and
A 1 lb. package of bacon.

As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to checkout, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated,

'You must be single.'

I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: 'Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?'

The drunk replied, 'Cause you're ugly.'

;D

[maryb]

A woman walked into her local pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some cyanide.

The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?" The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my licence, they'll throw both of us in jail, and ... and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now ... you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[maryb]

A guy was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand his curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"

"My wife's."

"What happened to her?"

The man replied, "My dog attacked and killed her".

He enquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Get in line."

[maryb]

Three male labrador retrievers - one chocolate, one yellow and one black were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the chocolate lab and said, "So, why are you here?"

The chocolate lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab said, " So, what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the chocolate lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, "Why are you here?" The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner's couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab enquired. "Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," said the dejected yellow lab.

The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked," Why are you here?'

"I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump anything, I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see." Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower, and as she was bending down to dry her toes I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away."

The yellow and chocolate labs exchanged a sad glance and said," So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

"No," said the black lab, "I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[bia2209]

Well I'm not exactly sure that this qualifies but I'm not sure where else to put it. It's not an actual joke and when you get down to it its more tragic than funny. But this is what happened when they asked Miss Teen South Carolina about the finer points of geography

youtube.com/watch?v=lj3iNxZ8Dww

[annie]

oh god, i saw that...!!! all the shows have been using it as a punch line...! Poor girl

[maryb]

Your drag name:

1. Use the third letter of your first name to determine your new first name:
a = Fantasia
b = Chesty
c = Starr
d = Diamond
e = Montana
f = Angel
g = Sugar
h = Mimi
i = Lola
j =Kitty
k = Roxie
l = Dallas
m = Princess
n = Heidi
o = Bambi
p = Bunny
q = Brandy
r = Sugar
s = Candy
t = Raquelle
u = Sapphire
v = Cinnamon
w = Blaze
x = Trixie
y = Isis
z = Jade

2. Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name:
a = Leather
b = Dream
c = Sunny
d = Deep
e = Heaven
f = Tight
g = Shimmer
h = Velvet
i = Lusty
j = Harley
k = Passion
l = Dazzle
m = Dixon
n = Spank
o = Glitter
p = Razor
q = Meadow
r = Glitz
s = Sparkle
t = Sweet
u = Silver
v = Tickle
w = Cherry
x = Hard
y = Night
z = Amber

3. Use the third letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name:
a = hooter
b = horn
c = tower
d = fire
e = thighs
f = hips
g = side
h = jugs
i = shock
j = cocker
k = brook
l = tush
m = sizzle
n = ridge
o = kiss
p = bomb
q = cream
r = thong
s = heat
t = whip
u = cheeks
v = rock
w = hiney
x = button
y = lick
z = juice

I'm Sugar Leathershock. Appropriate considering my fetish for leather. LMAO. ;D The Big Yin is Sugar Leatherhips. LMAO. We're practically twin drag sisters! LMAO. ;D Think his new name suits him.

Hope Leatherhips can still smile tonight. Bless 'im. Ain't the end of the world pet - but just get yourself psyched up again.

[annie]

MARKETING CONCEPTS
A professor was explaining marketing concepts:

1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!"-
That's Direct Marketing

2. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to
her and pointing at you says: "He's very rich. Marry him." - That's Advertising.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day,
you call and say: "Hi, I'm very rich.Marry me." - That's Telemarketing.

4. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her
and pour her a drink, you open the door (of the car) for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer
her a ride and then say: "By the way, I'm rich. Will you marry me?" - That's Public Relations

5. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says: "You are very rich! Can
you marry me?" - That's Brand Recognition.

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" She
gives you a nice hard slap on your face. - That's Customer Feedback.

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say: "I am very rich. Marry me!" And she
introduces you to her husband. - That's demand and supply gap.

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say anything, another person
comes and tells her: "I'm rich. Will you marry me?" And she goes with him - That's competition
eating into your market share.

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and before you say: 'I'm rich Marry me!' your
wife arrives. - That's restriction for entering new markets.

[annie]

BTW, my drag name is HEIDI GLITZCHEEKS