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Post by maryb on Jul 5, 2007 22:14:31 GMT 3
Hope you get through the Scottish dialect ... ;D
Two Aberdonian farmers, Tam and Shuie, are sitting in the Farmers' Bar, supping and conversing.
Tam turns to Shuie and says, “Ye ken fit? Ah’m sick an tired o gan through life wi'oot ony eddication. The morn's morn, ah think ah’ll jist gan doon tae yon community college and sign up fur some classes.”
Shuie thinks it’s a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Tam goes down to the college and meets the lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: maths, English, history, and logic.
“Logic?” Tam says. “Fit’s at?”
The lecturer says, “I’ll show you. Do you own a strimmer?”
“Aye.”
“Then logically because you own a strimmer, I think that you have a garden.”
“That’s true, I dee huv a garden.”
“I’m not done,” the Lecturer says. “Because you have a garden, I think logically that you would have a house.”
“Aye, I dee huv a hoose.”
“And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family.”
“Richt enough, I huv a femily.”
“I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife.”
“Yer nae wrang!! I dee huv a wife!!”
“And because you have a wife, then logically you must be heterosexual.”
“I am heterosexual. That’s amazin’!! Ye wir able tae find a’ that oot, jist ‘cos ah hiv a strimmer!”
Excited to take the class now, Tam shakes the lecturers’s hand and leaves to meet Shuie at the pub. He tells Shuie about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.
“Logic?” Shuie says, “Fit fir foo’s a that....?”
Tam says, “Ah’ll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?”
“Er, nuh.”
“Well then, ye mist be a bloody poof.”
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Post by maryb on Jul 5, 2007 22:52:02 GMT 3
"Why Italians can't be Paramedics" ;D
Vinny and Sal are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Sal grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.
Vinny whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, I think Sal is dead! What should I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, and then a shot is heard.
Vinny's voice comes back on the line, "Okay ... now what ?"
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Post by maryb on Jul 5, 2007 23:00:14 GMT 3
A Swede, an Irishman, and a Scotsman, take their wives golfing ...
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
"Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivees?" Oleg demanded.
"Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any. "
"The Swede immediately reaches into, his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear."
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
"Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me."
"Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!"
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she too is naked under it.
"Jeesus Mary! Where the friggiin hell are yer drawers?"
She too explains, "You dinnae give me enough money tae be able tae afford any."
"The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fur the luv o' decency, here's a comb..... tidy yerself up a bit."
LMAO ;D
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Post by maryb on Jul 5, 2007 23:02:54 GMT 3
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation. They were determined to make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc. The next morning they went to the beach dressed in their "tourist" garb. They were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a "drop dead gorgeous" blonde in a topless bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare. As the blonde passed them she smiled and said "Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So the next day, they went back to the store and bought even more outrageous outfits. These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward them. Again she nodded at each of them, said "Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father," and started to walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any longer and said, "Just a minute, young lady." "Yes, Father?" "We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?" She replied, "Father, it's me, Sister Kathleen." LMAO  |
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Post by maryb on Jul 5, 2007 23:04:11 GMT 3
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iTit will cost $499 or $599 depending on speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.  |
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Post by Giselle on Jul 7, 2007 3:20:09 GMT 3
Maryb: I'm on the floor laughing way too out loud!!!!!!!!!!
This is a true story about a wedding that took place at an American University. It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it.
It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests. After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the crowd. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding. He especially wanted to thank the bride's and his family and to thank his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.
As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party, was an envelope. He said this was his gift to everyone, and asked them to open their envelope.
Inside each envelope was an 8x10 photo of his bride having sex with the best man. The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.
After just standing there, just watching the guests' reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said, "**** you!". Then he turned to his bride and said, "**** you!". Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said, "I'm outta here." He had the marriage annulled first thing in the morning. While most people would have cancelled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing were wrong.
His revenge.... making the bride's parents pay over £15,000 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.
This guy has balls the size of church bells. Do you think they might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this:-
Elegant wedding reception for 300 family members and friends...........................................£15,000.
Wedding photographs commemorating the occasion..........................................£1,500
Deluxe two week honeymoon accommodations in Maui......................................................£5,000.
The look on everyone's face when they see the 8x10 photo of the bride humping the best man...........Priceless.
There are some things money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD.
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Post by maryb on Jul 8, 2007 0:42:49 GMT 3
A little boy runs into the kitchen and announces to his mummy, "I know how you get babies!"
His mommy says, "And how is that?'
The little boy says, "You put a penis in your mouth!"
"No honey, that's how you get jewellery."
LMAO ;D
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Post by hellanvodka on Jul 8, 2007 16:03:56 GMT 3
My brother's ring tone
Once my brother's phone was ringing, it turnt out to be a little girl's voice " Daddy, Daddy, ...."
Without suspection, i thought it was my little niece calling him.....
my MM brother answer with a funny face " yes boss, how can I help you?"
Haha........ It turnt out to be his urgly, bossy, fat and bitchy manager.......
I had a good laugh, but do i want to be an "auntie" for the bossy bitch?
LMAO.... my smart brother....
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noemi
Full Member
Posts: 332
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Post by noemi on Jul 21, 2007 10:43:29 GMT 3
I Just started cracking up after I read this one! It's a little racy, but funny:
There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived ?"
"He was on top ", she replied.
"You will have a boy !" the doctor exclaimed.
The second woman was asked the same question.
"I was on top ", was the reply.
"you will have a baby girl. " said the doctor.
With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears.
"What's the matter ?" asked the doc.
"Am I going to have puppies ?".....
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Post by Giselle on Jul 25, 2007 16:58:24 GMT 3
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Post by maryb on Aug 8, 2007 1:01:44 GMT 3
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.
You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.
1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.
2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.
3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.
4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.
5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.
6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.
7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.
8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.
9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'Because you are my friend'.
Friendship is like peeing yourself in dark pants, no one can see it, but you can feel the true warmth.
Say you agree!! ;D
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Post by annie on Aug 9, 2007 2:26:38 GMT 3
LMAO! I agree!!!
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Post by maryb on Aug 10, 2007 0:53:10 GMT 3
Broke Back Mountain Lady
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night.
He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said:
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!"
LMAO ;D
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Post by Mrs. Fabregas on Aug 10, 2007 20:23:31 GMT 3
Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card - just the stone cold truth of our great friendship. 1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad. 2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you. 3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid. 4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get. 5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining. 6. When you are confused -- I will use little words. 7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have. 8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass. 9. This is my oath.... I pledge it to the end. 'Why?' you may ask; 'Because you are my friend'. Friendship is like peeing yourself in dark pants, no one can see it, but you can feel the true warmth. Say you agree!! ;D  I agree!!!!! Totally!!!!! |
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Post by Mrs. Fabregas on Aug 10, 2007 20:26:35 GMT 3
Broke Back Mountain LadyA successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30am, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him and said: "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!" LMAO ;D  , ROTFLMAO, Mary!!!!!!!! |
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That's my couch 
