Abdominal Training Thread (Jokes and Funnies)

[maryb]

Political science for dummies:

DEMOCRATIC
You have two cows.
Your neighbour has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN
You have two cows.
Your neighbour has none.
So?

SOCIALIST
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your
neighbour.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his
cow.

COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to
shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk
down the drain.

AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO
on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four
cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You
spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have
downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an
ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of
beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred
miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation
per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.


BELGIAN CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's
Flemish.
The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's
milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.

;D

[maryb]

Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...

a) Innovative
b ) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon

Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're
drunk...

a) Specificity
b )British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate

Things that are DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE to say when
you're drunk...

a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b )Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I
have zero co-ordination.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in
the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the
morning.



and finally:

Dear Alcohol,

First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge
fan of yours. Your dimensions are mind boggling
(different than beer goggling, which I'll touch upon
shortly). Yes, my friend, you always seem to be there
when needed.

The perfect post-work pint, a beer with the game, and
you're even around in the holidays hidden inside
chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the
midst of endless family gatherings. Yet lately I've
been wondering about your intentions. While I want to
believe that you have my best interests at heart, I
feel that your influence has led to some unwise
consequences, briefed below for your review.

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that
communication is important, I question the suggestion
that any conversation of substance or necessity takes
place after 2am.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal and,
though cooking is far from my specialty, why you
suggested that I eat a kebab with chili sauce, coupled
with pot noodles and some stale crisps (washed down
with chocolate Nesquik and topped off with a Kit Kat
all after a few cheese curls and chili cheese
chips) is beyond me. Eclectic eater I am, but I think
you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me
that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I
see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to
fall down. Completely unnecessary. Similarly, it
should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the
front door key into the lock.

4. Pictures: This can be a blessing in disguise, as it
can often clarify the last point below, but the
following costumes are banned from ever being placed
on my head in public again: Red Indian wigs,
sombreros, bows, ties, boxes, upside-down cups,
inflatable balloon animals, traffic cones, or bras.

5. Beer Goggles: If I think I may know him/her from
somewhere, I most likely do not. Please do not request
that I go over and see if in fact, I do actually know
that person. The phrase 'let's screw' is illegal from
now on. While I may be thinking this, please reinstate
the brain-to-mouth-block that would stop this thought
from becoming a statement, especially in public.

6. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. Now, I
know a little penance for our previous evenings
debauchery may be in order, but the 2pm hangover
immobility is completely unacceptable. I ask that, if
the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B,
bread products, aspirin) prior to going to bed/passing
out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of
popcorn, the hangover should be minimal and in no way
interfere with my daily Saturday or Sunday (or any day
for that matter) activities. Come on now, it's only
fair
- You do your part, I'll do mine.

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years
now and would like to ensure that we remain on good
terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the
provocation for much laughter, and the needed
companion when I just don't know what to do with the
extra money in my pockets.

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you
carefully review my grievances above and address them
immediately. I will look for an answer no later than
Friday 3pm, pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions
and hopefully we can continue this fruitful
partnership.

Thank you.

[annie]

AMEN!! LMAO!!

[annie]

Guys, this is a true story...i found it on Reuters....in their "Oddly enough" news features

PATNA, India (Reuters) - Villagers at a wedding in eastern India decided the groom had arrived too drunk to get married, and so the bride married the groom's more sober brother instead, police said Monday.

"The groom was drunk and had reportedly misbehaved with guests when the bride's family and local villagers chased him away," Madho Singh, a senior police officer told Reuters after Sunday's marriage in a village in Bihar state's Arwal district.

The younger brother readily agreed to take the groom's place beside the teenage bride at her family's invitation, witnesses said.

"The groom apologized for his behavior, but has been crying that word will spread and he will never get a bride again," Singh said by phone.

there are other stories like "Naked man superglued to a bike"....ouch, that must hurt!!! LOL

[annie]

this is from a friends email...really funny...

"Mathematical Genius"

[hipponette]

LMAO!!!! I actually did that first one in my math quiz. My teacher thought it was a classic.

The second one, though, I have yet to try. We're JUST starting expanding equations, and man if it were THAT easy....I would get an A in Math with one eye open. *sigh* LMAO!!!

[maribrasil]

Do men really need that?

[annie]

if they are cavemen,probably...LOL

[maryb]

A woman walks into a high class jewellery shop. She browses
around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to
inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she
inadvertently breaks wind.

Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone
has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person
doesn't pop up right now.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the
form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and
displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with,
"Good day, madam. How may we help you today?"

Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not
have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks,
"Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?"

He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're
going to shit yourself when I tell you the price." ;D

[annie]

hilariously embarassing!!! LMAO

[Annie]

ROTFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is hysterical ;D

[maryb]

The power of Photoshop ...

www.break.com/index/the-power-of-photoshop.html

Size 0 madame? No problem! ;D

[maryb]

Here's a one-question IQ Test to help you decide how you should spend the rest of your day ...

There is a mute who wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing one's teeth, he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.

Now, if there is a blind man who wishes to buy a pair of sunglasses, how should he express himself? Think about it first before scrolling down for the answer..

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He opens his mouth and says. "I would like to buy a pair of sunglasses."

If you got this wrong, please turn off your computer and call it a day.

I've got mine shutting down right now.

[jenhatter06]

I didn't know where else to put this, but it's pretty funny .... download your own tennis mask!


news.bbc.co.uk/sport2/hi/tennis/get_involved/4467076.stm

[Sammy]

Hahaha the Federer mask is just priceless !! ROFL !!