Something to think about or even laugh about

[sonya]

*why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

*why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

*a dyslexic man walks into a bra.

*why does goofy stand on two legs when pluto remains on four? they're both dogs.

*can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

*if a man is walking in a forest and no women is there to hear him is he still wrong?

[Tish]

sonya said:

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in it.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart.

"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: "Here. Rub it."

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish. Just one wish... each person is only allowed one!"

The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming.

The bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."

"Tell me about it," says the man, "do you really think I asked for a 12inch pianist?"

[Tish]

Subject: Surgeons
>Five surgeons are discussing the
>types of people they like to
>operate on. The first surgeon
>says:
>"I like to see accountants on my
>operating table because when you
>open them up, everything inside is
>numbered."
>The second surgeon responds:
>"Yeah, but you should try electricians!
>Everything inside is color coded."
>The third surgeon says:
>"No, I really think librarians
>are the best, everything inside
>is in alphabetical order."
>The fourth surgeon chimes in:
>"You know, I like construction
>workers....those guys always
>understand when you have
>a few parts left over."
>But the fifth surgeon shut them
>all up when he observed:
>"You're all wrong, politicians
>are the easiest to operate on.
>There's no guts, no heart,
>no balls, no brains and no spine.
>And the head and the ass are
>interchangeable."
>

[Tish]

Subject: A guys way to loose weight


A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss
program.



The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before
him
a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a
pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She
introduces
herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads:

"If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles
later,
huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with
her.

The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing
happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has
lost
10

lb. as promised.

He then calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program.

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most
stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around
her
neck
that reads:

"If you catch me you can have me."

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in
excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her but when he
does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze, so for
the
next four
days,
the same routine happens.
Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to
discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the
7-day/50 pound program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone - " This is
our
most rigorous program."

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."


The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he
finds this huge, muscular, 7ft black man standing there wearing
nothing but
pink
running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads:

"I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine..."

[Tish]

THE PERFECT DAY FOR HER…

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh-in 2 kgs lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed—freshly squeezed orange juice and
croissants; open presents- expensive jewellery chosen by
thoughtful partner
9:15 Soothing hot bath with frangipani bath oil
10:00 Light work-out at club with sexy, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, makeup application, shampoo, condition,
blow wave
12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor café
12:45 Catch sight of partner’s ex and notice that she has gained
17 kgs
1:00 Shopping with friends: unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist; card is from
secret admirer
4:15 Massage from strong but gentle hunk—says he rarely gets
to work on such a perfect body
5:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe
7:30 Candlelit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/ dancers
10:00 Hot shower- alone
10:50 Carried to bed… freshly ironed, crisp, white linen
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms



THE PERFECT DAY FOR HIM…

6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blow job
6:30 Massive, satisfying shit while reading the sports section
7:00 Breakfast—steak and eggs, coffee and toast—all cooked by naked,
buxom wench who bends over a lot showing her growler
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Several beers en route to the airport
9:15 Flight in personal Lear jet
9:30 Limo to Mirage Resort Golf Club (blow job en-route)
9:45 Play front nine (2 under par)
11:45 Lunch—steak and lobster, 3 beers and bottle of Dom Perignon
12:15 Blow job
12:30 Play back nine (4 under)
2:15 Limo back to airport (several bourbons)
2:30 Fly to Bahamas
3:30 Late afternoon fishing expedition with all-female crew, all nude
who also bend over a lot showing their growlers
4:30 Land world record Marlin (1234lbs)—on light tackle
5:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by naked Elle MacPherson
(bending over showing her growler, naturally)
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch news—Michael Jackson assassinated
7:30 Dinner—lobster appetisers, Dom Perignon (1953), big juicy
fillet steak followed by ice cream served on a big pair of tits
9:00 Napoleon Brandy and Habanos cigars in front of wall-sized TV
as you watch football game
9:30 Sex with three women, all with lesbian tendencies
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snacks and a cleansing beer
11:30 Night-cap blow job
11:45 In bed alone
11:50 A 22-second fart which changes note 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room
11:51 Laugh yourself to sleep


[sonya]

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him." So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir," he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?", "I'm from Dublin", second man stunned says, "Me too! What street do you live on?", "McCarthy street", second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?", the first man announces, "162", second man shocked says, "Me too! What are your parents names?", first man replies, "Connor and Shannon", second man awestruck says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!"

So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?" "Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again."

[sonya]

Answering Service At Mental Institute
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

[Tish]

LMAO Sonya, thanks so much...

I received this today and liked the little dig about the world cup.....yes we are still sore!!

humour: crime and punishment



An Italian, a German and an Australian football fan were arrested in a small Arabian state when they were caught urinating on a religious building after an all night drinking binge. The trio have to face up to the local sultan and are dished out the typical punishment for religious desecration - 20 lashes of the whip to the back.
But the Sultan was a big football fan so he kindly granted them two wishes each - but they were not allowed to decrease the number of lashes or the type of punishment.
The Italian says "Well we are the World Champions so I go first. I want the pleasure of a beer and a pillow." The Sultan grants his wishes.
With a wide grin the Italian drinks his beer and binds the pillow to his naked back. But after 10 lashes the pillow falls apart and he has to painfully endure the remaining 10 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The German saw all this and spends a few minutes thinking before smiling. "I would like to have two pillows for my back". The Sultan thinks about the uniqueness of the wishes but decides to grant it given he has used up his two wishes in one go. However after 15 lashes of the whip both pillows have fallen apart and the German has to painfully endure the remaining 5 lashes which leave deep welt marks on his back.

The Australian is grinning from ear to ear and mutters something under his breath about a bullshit penalty. "Ok my first wish is to double the number of lashes to 40." There is stunned silence in the hall.
The Italian, German and Sultan are a little surprised at the first wish but then remember the strong fighting performance the Aussies put up during the World Cup in Germany 2006. The Italian and German look at each other and nod in admiration - obviously this Aussie wants to show how tough he is.

The Sultan asks the Aussie for his second wish. "Tie the Italian to my back" he replies.

[sonya]

uuu,you aussies are mean!good to know-no peeing with you on the religious buildings!!


btw,hi tish!

[love15]

LMAO great joke tish! serves as a bit of revenge

[Tish]

Glad you liked it Love15.

[ginapants]

i found this funny animation

hope you'll like it
www.ebaumsworld.com/flash/endofworld.html

i thought it was funny!
:*

[love15]

that was a cool clip ginapants

[yse]

www.youtube.com/watch?v=DPrFQZnXpOY


;D ;D ;D ;D the perfect couple - same colors etc ;D ;D ;D

[marats]

The perfect couple

The whole world knows ............. it's Andy at the moment !!!