Something to think about or even laugh about

[annie]

"THE INTERVIEW"

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed
for a job. The interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"
pointing to the man on his right. The first man replied, "A thought. It pops into your head, there's no
forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good," replied the interviewer. "And now you, sir," he
asked the second man.
"Hmmm, let me see, a blink!," said the second man. "It comes and goes
and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know
of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye. That's a very
popular cliche for speed." He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out on my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the
wall there is a light switch. When you flip that switch, way across the
pasture the light at the barn comes on in an instant. Turning on a light is the
fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought
he had found his man.
"It's hard to beat the speed of light." he said. Turning to the fourth
man, a Newfoundlander, he posed the same question.
"After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the
fastest thing known is diarrhea," said the Newfie.
"What!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.
"Oh, I can explain," said the Newfie. "You see, the other day I wasn't
feeling so well and ran for the bathroom. But, before I could think,
blink, or turn on the light, I sh** my pants."

He got the job!

[Annie]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHA annie......hilarious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Tish]

I like that one.....That sounds like an australian joke..don't know why...

[emma]

Really good one annie !!!!!!

[Tish]

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a
most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about
50 feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog. "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you walking in single file.

Whose funeral is it?"

The man replied, "Well, the first hearse is for my wife"

"What happened to her?"

The man replied " My dog attacked and killed her."

He inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The man answered "My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
men.

"Can I borrow the dog?"

"Join the queue."

[Tish]

The train was quite crowded, and the U. S. Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed middle-aged French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. "Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."

She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant."

This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honour. Put this American in his place."

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, "Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold
the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

[emma]

Really good ones Tish!!!!!!!!!!

[emma]

Yse post this in the 1001 useless bits of information :

Did you know that, an english guy put his dick in a mice trap twice.
The second time because he was explaining the first time to his friends.
He deserves the Darwin Price !!!!

sorry no pictures!!!!!

I think it also belongs here.
Thank you Yse!!!!

[Andrada]

So,today I decided to skip school 'cause I was very tired and the classes I had today weren't that important( yeah,bad girl,I know ;D ;D)...and 15 minutes ago I rang a classmate,Adina, to ask her how was school today...and she said that she skipped school,too...i said well...interesting ;D,then I'll phone Monica,another classmate,to ask her...and Adina said..well,don't bother,she skipped school today,too ;D ;DLMAO
Hmmmmm,are we naughty today or what?ROTFL I still haven't found out how school was today ;D I guees I'll call another friend later...and I'll be prepared for whatever news she gives me... ;D

[Annie]

ROTFLMAO Andrada, I was actually wondering what you were doing online at this time

[Tish]

The Diver:

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He

performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is an

E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Ft.

Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won.



Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down

lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make

you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what

happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my

job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea I wear a suit to

the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool...

So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial

'water heater'; This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the

sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to

the diver through a hose, which is taped to the air hose.

Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times

with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose

and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with

warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well

until all of a sudden, my ass started to itch. So, of course, I

scratched it. This only made things worse.

Within a few seconds my ass started to burn. I pulled the hose out from

my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now,

since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to

it. However, the crack of my ass was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the

jellyfish into the crack of my ass. I informed the dive supervisor of my

dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the

fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing

hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three

agonizing in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes

before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.

When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass

helmet. As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter

running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it

on my ass as soon as I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my

ass was swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much

worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt. Now repeat

to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".

[annie]

here's something you need to think about...

just 4 questions...

1. how do you place a giraffe in a ref?
2. how do you place an elephant in the ref?
3. if the king of the jungle calls for a meeting of all the animals, who wouldn't be there?
4. what will you do if you want to cross a river infested with crocodiles?

feel free to answer these questions...i'll try to check back in here to see your answers in three days...

[sonya]

1.Open the ref,put a giraffe in,and then close the ref.
2.Open the ref,put out the giraffe,put the elephant in,and then close the ref.
3.The elephant-he's stll in the ref.
4.Just cross the river,'coz crocodiles are at the animal's meeting.
ha-ha,I knew this one!And >:(I hate it!!!

[sonya]

HOW TO ANNOY SANTA?

If you were good during all year,saving for wonderful,magical evening,and then Santa disapointed you,you should preper yourself for the next-year ravange...
*Leave him your christmas list with changes that you made at the last moment.
*Instead of milk and cookies,leave him a salad and note he should lose his weight-at least 20 kilos.

*Leave in front of your doors a plate ful of cookies and one glass ful of milk with note"FOR GOOD FAIRY".Next to that put a dirty plate with stinky bread and one dirty glass with few drops of milk with note"FOR SANTA".
*Keep a bull in a living room.He doesn't like to see a little red cloth-imagine what would he do if he saw the biiiiig Santa's suit!
*While Santa is in the house,replace all his reindeer with identical copies.Then sit down,and look what will happen if he tries to make them fly.
*Put a lot of hunting trophies in your livingroom.Go outside and start screaming:"Look,look,deer!!!And he has a red nose!"Then fire a rifle.
*Organize surprise-party for Santa.Don't let him go untll the stripers come.
*Dress up like Easter Bunny and then wait for Santa.When he comes tell him:"There is no enough place in this city for both of us!"
*Dress up as Jesus and tell Santa:"What are you ho-ho-hoing about?You're just the fat clown in my birthday party!"(by annie)
*Make pact with his reindeer.

*Draw a fake map for a way to your home,and make Santa experiment,'coz he was so bad last year.

*Don't let penguins being sad.
Let all the penguins have fun!

[ruth]

Does this work for Mother christmas as well?